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The only broken-hearted loser you'll ever need [entries|friends|calendar]
P뮃ʩ† FÅï£Û®ès

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i'm in a good place [15 May 2006|11:35pm]
[ mood | content ]

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

relationships are so fragile [29 Mar 2006|10:20pm]
i wish someone were here
i want to talk to someone
no, with someone
and really talk, not just chew the fat

i was really looking forward to the flea market on sunday too
why am i not used to disappointment yet?
i am no one's priority
no one bother's to answer me
i am an unloveable disaster

i hate this part
e x h a l e
1 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

before you continue [28 Mar 2006|11:15pm]
[ mood | weird ]

yes spring does this to me

i feel like sometimes i'm surrounded by oportunistic, overly diplomatic, dishonest sleazeballs who prioritize based on how much things will impress
when i actually feel like there are enough people to actually surround me that is(ha)
and i'm not that kind of person. and i just broke down, partly out of panic, partly because i'm disheartened, no one cares about anythign anymore
no one
and that makes me upset, the kind were you just want to burn down buildings and cry
a lot

and i'm trying but people...well strangers rather make me very nervous and anxious and i have a tendensy to crawl into myself, which is very unhealthy and is weird because i hate being by myself
i really annoy my self sometimes

i sort of miss lying around with someone and just babbling idealistic babble

i think the word "i" comes out of my mouth far too often
i need to take care of someone else for awhile
and i think i just do it to draw attention to myself

bleeding on your shirt

[22 Feb 2006|10:53pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i may not answer calls or be around for a while, i have alot of thinking to do considering i was told tonight that i might have to choose a different major
and not by my parents by the e.r. doctor
i just really don't feel like talking

more hereCollapse )

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

[11 Feb 2006|11:40pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i went to borders yesterday and they had the pulitzer prize list there
so i wanted my new new years resolution to be that i was going to read all the books on that list
until i looked at it and realized most of the books on that list our out of print
how could the book companies let that happen

work was okay i guess...boring in the way that it is when its saturday and going to snow

i feel good though
when i went outstide
i was showered with snowflakes
and they were excellent snowflakes
the kind that "stick to your nose and eyelashes"
the kind that look like a time warp when you drive through them
and that is distracting
in a very good mesmerizing way

kyle has neglected to call me today
oh well

i think its time for sleep
someone come sledding with me tomorrow
please?

bleeding on your shirt

[08 Feb 2006|09:08pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i really cannot believe that he just hung up on me
we weren't even arguing or anything
that was ridiculous

bleeding on your shirt

[07 Feb 2006|09:18pm]
[ mood | cold ]

school is making me crazy
i hate it
i get so upset just thinking about the fact that i have to go tomorrow
it just makes me want to curl into a ball and hide under the bed until it's over.
i suppose i have to just have faith that its worthwhile

i need some sort of culmination or release

i feel like a puddle
and it's raining on me
and i can't stop the ripples

mmm rainy
i miss him
i'm so scared about the whole thing now that hes back in school
and the ring and the photo really made it worse
i wish i could calm down and really enjoy myself

who am i to be upset?
who am i when there are 7.2 million people in zimbabwe alone starving to death?
who the fuck am i to complain?

or maybe i'm just channeling my discontent to myself
or maybe i'm overanalyzing everything, like i always do, like i always promise myself not to do

on a brighter note arden is fun to work with
he took out all of my garbage ^.^

1 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

languid [03 Feb 2006|04:59pm]
[ mood | angry ]

= my life

one day turns into 4 hours which turns into 2
i just wish a little more effort was put forth
but these are things i need to come to terms with and deal with for now
because its 2 different people and now its just the one that i'm not used to at all
i need to come to terms with not seeing each other
i need to come to terms with no job/money/car
i need to come to terms with the fact that as much as i hate her hes still going to talk to corie
and epesscially come to terms with valentines day

fuck

bleeding on your shirt

[02 Feb 2006|11:14pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

its things like what just happened
that make me feel really small and see thru

bleeding on your shirt

life imitates art [01 Feb 2006|11:32pm]
[ mood | drained ]

my horoscope today basically told me that i needed to be a big girl
but you know what...i don't wanna
no its not that (i was just kidding) sometimes i just don't know how

today is my 4 year new milford anniversary
yay?

me = worthless
= needs some sleep
= hates my school
i sit in school and think to myself,
i haven't eaten
i haven't slept
i have to pee
why am i here?


everyone seemed to make me feel really really small today
intentional or not

and the worst part is
i really have no reason to feel as unhappy as i do
hopefully really sleeping tonite will help

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

[29 Jan 2006|09:34am]
[ mood | tired ]

Scorpio:Yes, you might actually have a connection with this person on some ethereal plane, but pay attention to their actions in the here and now. Are they treating you as well as you deserve?

bleeding on your shirt

[23 Jan 2006|08:18pm]
[ mood | worthless and adorable ]

i really haven't written in here in a long time but there is nothing that i felt i really wanted to say in here but school started today and i hate it so i needed something to distract me. i just really really hate that school so much. everything about it makes me want to vomit and i hate that i have to walk around there and put a smile on and pretend like its not so bad. i woke up at four this morning i was so anxious about it i couldn't sleep.
me and kyle haven't really spoken since his fight. hes been grumpy and time just doesn't exsist. like yesterday the only time we really spend together was in the car. i just really need a hug. after all the anxiety of what happened i need it.
my most exciting discovery yet is that people think i'm this tough little cookie but i'm really about 4 years old. its all a facade. i'm like a vulnerable little squeeky toy.
Jeffery McDaniel is a fun writter to read:
"Once I thought I found love but, then I realized
I was just out of cigarettes"
i think that on thursday, i'm going to have kyle come with me and help me pick out a fishy. I need another life to occupy mine when i'm home but i'm not home enough to take care of, say a hampster. fish are quite nice, and as an added bonus they come in really fun colors.

okay i really do have homework to do.

bleeding on your shirt

[15 Jan 2006|10:54am]
i have offically given up on the human race
1 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

how ironic [12 Jan 2006|09:20pm]
Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie:
You have a lot of drive, but where are you going? Slow down 'til you have an answer.
bleeding on your shirt

[07 Jan 2006|12:33am]
[ mood | cold ]

i was so incredibly nervous about my grades this semester
but i have a 2.5 gpa
i really had nothing to be nervous about
i ended up getting a C in english which i was really struggling in in the beginning (after the midterm i had an F) which means i must have gotten an A on my paper and my final
and i got a B in dance

i am so proud of myself right now
today was semi-productive
i feel more on top of things, anyway

my tummy is making gurgling noises
are you singing, my little belly?
are you trying to tell me something?

it would be cool if my tummy were like lassie
and i could be like, "what is it, girl? trouble? you say mr. green is trapped in a fire in the barn?"

i am so strange
you have no idea

i love the way the winter looks not the way it feels

1 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

new year resolutions revised [04 Jan 2006|10:18am]
i resolve to
connect with more people
think before i speak
maintain my newly found balance
and to stop biting my nails


think less, smile more
bleeding on your shirt

its a new year but the past keeps finding me [03 Jan 2006|10:50pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

so its offical that i will be spending my days off alone
kyle doesn't think that he will be back until 9-9:30 tomorrow night
i'm not quite sure why he told me yesterday that we would be hanging out tomorrow because he has a 10pm curfew
thursday will be the same i know it
i can't help but feel really dissapointed and i don't think he understands why
earlier he asked me to find out if i could get tuesday off but i don't know if i should, what if i ask for it off and then this happens again? or his dad doesn't pay him considering he hasn't paid him for any of the work thus far?

i've found myself using simpler words
but they're more complicated than complicated words
because simple words are so vague

like "alone"
what is that all about?

i want to nuzzle my chin in his shoulder
and have little inside jokes and kisses and trust and mutual adoration and attraction and
i want to hang on his every word, the way he hangs onto mine
i want to be held, and when i'm not being held, i want to anticipate being held
i want to be silly
i want to feel comfortable
i want listening

i'm cold and nicotine deprived
good night
lets hope

1 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

fuck [03 Jan 2006|11:47am]
[ mood | cranky ]

the weather sucks so i'm without a car
josh left for the army today
i have to work
my siblings are home AGAIN
kyles mad at me
we don't get to see each other
all i wanted to do on my day off was go snowboarding which was apparently my christmas gift
i have a feeling i'm not getting my christmas gift

and i get to spend tomorrow and thursday by myself
doing nothing
and its the last week of my easy week because kate stops working on thursday and my job fucking sucks
this summer i'm taking two vacations
thats right two because i didn't take one last year so fucking deal with it and if there is anyone at that store that it picking their own hours its going to be me and amanda because we've been there the longest yet we always get stuck with shit
we should get first priority not everyone else


i cannot wait for this winter break to be over
between my family and my job and kyles parents
i'm actually looking foward to going to class
which is sad because there is nothing good about that school NOTHING

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

i am unstoppable [02 Jan 2006|08:41pm]
[ mood | inspired ]

its january second now and i am still mistified
this is my year i can feel it
everything just feels so right and beautiful and even the shitty weather can't bring me down
besides i like the sound the snowslushrain is making on my windows

i feel like i haven't made anything lately
other than complaints, that is
i want to create something
i want to shape and form and produce and express something

i am in love with chocolate and tongues and honest moments out of the blue
you know what?
I AM IN LOVE. PERIOD. (but you already knew that^.^)
LOOK! LOOK AT THE EXCITEMENT AND JOY AND THE CAPS LOCKNESS!

wow my life is full of intrigue

bleeding on your shirt

where you temporarily embraced insanity [01 Jan 2006|10:44pm]
[ mood | loved ]

last night was the best new years i've ever had
for the first time in my life, i can say this:
i looked damn good
the boys we absolutely wonderful, they played two sets, totally rocked out, alot of people loved them
this is the year they become rock stars
when i kissed kyle at midnite, his bass shocked him twice...i think its a sign
gary's band (brendon's dad) was sooo cool
they played classic rock covers, and right after midnight they jammed out and we all danced around

i've been really happy lately
i really do take on characters like that
i'm trying to write -sigh-
i need to channel my creative energy somewhere
me and kyle talked in my car for an hour and a half and he thinks i should start a zine
that would be a fun project

new year's is all about potential
hope

i resolve to
connect with more people
think before i speak
maintain my newly found balance
and to stop biting my nails

3 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

[01 Jan 2006|09:53am]
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more later...
bleeding on your shirt

[25 Dec 2005|09:40pm]
today was really good, except being woken up at 7:30
i got lots of fun things, lots of checks and cash and coffee gift cards ^.^
i ate sooo much
and i drank some wine
i am very cute
you are nice :)

i think on tuesday or thursday or one day off this week i'm going to go shopping with maribeth
because i found out today that she gets 40% off at anthropologie
thats right anthropologie

i love the way westport looks at christmas time
the candles in the windows, the white lights, the wreths

i feel really good
go me and my big heart muscle
i can't wait to see kyle
and give him his presents and the cookies i made and kisses all over
because i am in a good mood
and heputs up with my not good moods, when i just need to be heard and no one can help
he is beautiful and asleep

i think i need to smoke
andsleep because i had too much cookies and wine
bleeding on your shirt

[25 Dec 2005|08:28am]
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bleeding on your shirt

[25 Dec 2005|02:55am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

its unseasonably warm and i like it

i'm stuck at church and non of my little kiddies showed up
i really didn't expect them to
it is the 9:00 service

its just now christmas eve and i am in the spirit
its sad
i finally relaxed today once i hit work
i think it was all the holiday music plus the party punch
who knows
and the sevice was so beautiful, when all the lights went off and everyone was holding candles

bernedette at work bought me a $5 lotto ticket for christmas and i won $5 dollars :-D

well i must be off

p.s. i would love to reconnect with people while they're home from break
like sarah stork
and people from westport
that would really be nice
someone let me know

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

knuckles [23 Dec 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

i hate this time of year
h
a
t
e

work was busy and i almost killed some lady (long story)
then i was all excited because i would only have to work 4 hours, by the time i was out, kyle would be out and we would make cookies
oh no
he decides to hang out with allan and go to the mall...
okay they haven't seen each other fine, emily will still help
oh no, lazy bitch was on the phone and watching abc family

stephanie wants to know if kyle will be joining us on christmas eve so i call to find out
he treats me like i'm stupid for asking and that no he will not be going...
okay fine
he informs me that he is going to palmers on new year which changes our plans, and hes going with or without me...
thanks, i don't know if i feel safe going to palmers, its not that i don't want to go because they're pretty nice people but its a SAFETY thing
and i would have liked to spend new years with my boyfriend and not home alone with my family AGAIN
but whatever
and i prolly have to work
then he cracks a joke that he knows because of recent events will not make me laugh but piss me off
fine
apology accepted

i am just in such a pissed of mood becaue people are mean and can't drive and everyone keeps backing out of helping me do things
i see a patern
i just wanted a little help
my mom is really sick so i have to do everything and i can't i need a little help sometimes
i'm not mad at anyone in particular just upset, i tought what i felt yesterday would filter into today
i wish i could just understand...

but i don't want to understand everything
because then i'd have nothign for which to strive
adn life would be very sad
unless i devoted my life to teaching others
i don't know
that won't happen, so i'm not to be concerned with it

what am i talking about!?

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

my brother sent me this [23 Dec 2005|04:32pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

[22 Dec 2005|10:51pm]
[ mood | loved ]

i had the most fabulous day ever
there was playing and snuggling
we got lost...twice trying to go the back way to westport
went to tengda and ate sushi and really yummy ginger salad
there was shopping and coffee
downtown westporters make me feel absolutely drained

it was just wonderful
it may not seem like much, but it was to me
it was like a breath of fresh sea air

tomorrow, we bake!

the only things i plan to do tonight
are bathe, wrap gifts, watch sex and the city,

and sleep, sleep,
sleep

bleeding on your shirt

[20 Dec 2005|11:01pm]
[ mood | content ]

last night i got the squity smile when i went to kyles
i wonder if he relizes how much that means to me
and how happy i was

i hope thursday works out
my desire to be touched has grown
just held

i've been trying so hard to make friends
too hard maybe?

today, in the shower
(i do my best thinking in the shower)
i was thinking about people i love
and how much i love them
i decided that love can be measured, but only relatively
and that's why it's true that you can't love a person without loving yourself
and then, i sang to the spider one the ceiling ^.^

bleeding on your shirt

[18 Dec 2005|09:00pm]
the pagent was today
it went well
i was crushed kyle couldn't be there
today, his parents not only kept him from coming (which they knew about) but they also decided he couldn't come out tonite
they suck, alot, my feelings are really hurt

i'm hungry

this was pointless
2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

making paper snow flakes [15 Dec 2005|09:31pm]
[ mood | cute ]

school is over
beautiful
i got through another semester

and i got to hang out with kyle
and then with zach and steph

today was very nice, very nice indeed

the road looks so pretty all covered in ice

my dog is crying in her sleep :*(

ms. sara when are we having our tea party?

tell me what to listen to, please, i am so bored with my music right now

and i feel like the biggest smile in the whole world

2 have slit my throat bleeding on your shirt

[15 Dec 2005|10:18am]
Scorpio: Keep your emotional, home-oriented goals in mind and you'll be able to deal with anything that happens now. With the mood the heavens are in, that may range from winning the lottery to deciding to move to Spain.
bleeding on your shirt

[14 Dec 2005|08:19pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

i'm hungry
and lonely

i want to cuddle and i want to get out and do something fun

i've been a little...overly-introspective today
a little blueeeeeee

but everything is better now
i know what to do to help
and we're going to try it before we break up again
which is good
i'm praying that this works
and i'm going to do my best

my mommy has croupe
:*(

sometimes a girl needs a little foolishness

art is foolish

love is foolish

and they are both sparks
and they are both to be cherished

bleeding on your shirt

[14 Dec 2005|12:42am]
i lied
heres to another miserable night trying to cry myself to sleep
bleeding on your shirt

[13 Dec 2005|09:50pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

i feel...incredible
i spent the day with my wonderful, beautiful, smart boyfriend
we went christmas shopping and had coffee and dicussed bands and WWII
i took my dance final which was suppossed to be my hard final and it was the opposite
now i am home
i am shoe shopping, with a cup of tea, a plate of gingerbread and a sex and the city dvd
mmmm

things are really looking up it seems

life is too short to be sad

i think i want to make a mixtape of songs about california
that would be good, like masking tape or hot chocolate

i want to make t-shirts
do you think acrylic paint will work?

majorette is playing at the knitting factory january 11th
whose coming with me

bleeding on your shirt

tonites and day [12 Dec 2005|10:07pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

i'm okay with whats going on
i respect that he talks to me about it
i just hope i haven't hurt him
that wasn't my intent

and i hope he doesn't hurt me again
but i believe that he won't
i believe that we can make this work out
go me and my big heart muscle
if he really loves me he'll try

i think it was this time last year when he told me "you have to find out what love isn't, before you can find out what love is" or something along those lines
hes a wise person...he'll figure everything out

people are always telling me that i need to take more
but...whenever i do, i seem to hurt people

i feel like i'm on this journey
and its extremely interesting and i really like the direction that things are going in
but i don't have a map and i always seem to be going off into the flowers and not seeing the big bad wolf until its too late

i was feeling a little blue when i woke up so i did what any other self respecting 19 year old would do
i bundled up, and went outside in the snow with my dog
i pretended i was 10 years old again and didn't have a care in the world

do you think that this christmas pagent falling apart is a sign that i shouldn't become a teacher?

today is a day for socks, warm drinks, and cuddling
i need my book and my boy
my day would be complete

if you find me a social niche, i'll leave you alone

or i'll bake you a pie

whichever you prefer


i want kyle to sing to me
he hasn't done it in a while and i'm spoiled
i'm in awe of the sounds he can make come from himself and an acoustic guitar

i need to stop reading old entries
they make me sad and nastolgic
i still wish he would though

bleeding on your shirt

[12 Dec 2005|09:46am]
my livejournal had its 4th birthday last week and i forgot
damn thats a long time

i have more to say but i just woke up
i'll come back later
bleeding on your shirt

whats another word for desperate? [12 Dec 2005|12:04am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

my lj background dissapeared, so now i have to go find a new one...fuck

you ever get so tired that your back aches?
yeah.

i feel like i need to be cracked--
my neck, my back, my shoulders, my knuckles, my arms, my everything--
but they won't

my eyes feel dry and my throat feels heavy
i have to settle myself

i feel so helpless now
i'm not doing anything wrong, theres nothing i can do, but it involves me
i try so hard
...wait...maybe thats the problem
maybe i try to hard
maybe i should just sit back and relax and see what happens...
i can't so that
but maybe if i don't try so hard to make everything better, like if i just act like nothing is wrong

i'm so confused
i wish...

i feel crumbly
and even though the time we spent tonite was me crying
and sad
i still wish we had had more of it
and we could have stopped time and just...held each other you know?

(this is the part where i throw you off because i just bitched about being upset and sad)
i swear that when he said the words "soul mates" my heart skipped a beat and i knew that we would be okay

bleeding on your shirt

watch me as i tumble blindly downward in the barrel [10 Dec 2005|11:20pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

i wrote this really long, well thought out, poetic entry
and my laptop ate it

so here we go again...hopefully

the snow is so rejuvenating
maybe because it's so white
it looks so pure
even though i'm sure it's chuck full o' pollutants and acid and whatnot

i wish i were in love with myself
you are lucky for that
i wouldn't need anything else

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you
i miss you



i feel like i'm leaking
i don't know if its stress but it seems like alot has changed in the past week
i need him to be my boyfriend
i need him to kiss me and hold me and let me know that we are, in fact, okay
he feels so far away
did i do something wrong?
if so tell me
talk to me about whats going on...let me talk to you
he won't even let me try to make him feel better

i want him to tell me that he loves me
he used to tell me that all the time
every chance he could
now...its only if i say it first
is that a bad sign?

its only been for this past week but this week has felt like an enternity


thats all i want
i'm not asking for much
am i?

bleeding on your shirt

[09 Dec 2005|09:41pm]
bleeding on your shirt

[09 Dec 2005|10:50am]
[ mood | bored ]

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review"

January: wow worst new years ever, lets hope that it doesn't set the tone for the rest of the year

February: i got incredibly lucky

March: todays weather was interesting
it looked grey, but there's really intense sunlight out there
it was brighter out there than it is in here
that mystifies me


April: come to walk a mile for a meal!

May: the may day festivle felt so good yesterday

June: i'm so excited for today
band practice (for like 10 minutes), layed in the sun, ate ice cream, now i'm waiting to bring john to the doctors, go to work, then to the gym =D


July: the storm today was amazing

August: Feds List Charges Against Former Westport Teacher
A former Westport middle school teacher inadvertently left a CD full of child pornography, including what appear to be lewd pictures of schoolchildren, in a computer he borrowed from a neighbor, federal investigators said today, the AP reported.


September: sleep last night did not happen and i'm so exhausted and i got yelled at because i didn't understand why thing was happening or how this is suppossed to help "us" in the future*

October: i fucking quit!!!


November: can someone please explain to me how someone can be so happy it makes them sad?


December: i hate being sick


someone comeover and play in the snow with me before work
pllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssseeeeeeeee
its so pretty out
it looks like
** ***** * * * ******
* ******** *** * * ***
***** * * * ** * **** *

bleeding on your shirt

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